- Be content with where I am in my life.
Yep, only one. Its a pretty big one for me. Its been an internal battle that I've been dealing with and I have to make it a goal to change my thinking.
Don't get me wrong, I know I am blessed. I have a loving husband, a beautiful baby girl, health for us all and safety. I have an education and we both have jobs. We have a house, we live in America and there are many people around us that love us.
I don't have a desire to have massive wealth or fame. I am grateful for my career, but what I really want is to have more time to be a mommy.
Yes, we bought our house before the market took a nose dive and lost the value out from under us. I wanted desperately to go part time after I had Charlize, but there were some bills to take care of. We payed off Nate's truck and traded in my Murano and the only way his business could help make the payments was to get a truck. Ok, one bill down but the mortgage still had to be met. So, even though I was offered a part time position I couldn't take it. I had kinda started to get into photography as a business and thought that perhaps I could slowly turn that into something that would help me later on.
The Kindergarten/Reading Recovery position came open a month before school started and I jumped at the chance knowing that it was the only outlet for going part time in the future and to get amazing reading training at the same time. I *LOVE* what I am learning and I simply adore teaching Kindergarten! It has been an amazing learning experience but I have been SO absolutely, overwhelmingly consumed with everything being so new and feeling so inadequate. I actually went on anxiety medication to help me get through everything that was on my plate. We were turned down from refinancing and then come to find out we don't qualify for loan modification because we haven't had a change in income. We are keeping our fingers crossed that Nate can get the lineman apprenticeship, but still no word. Like many others, Nate's business has slowed and its only making the payments on the new machine and building he put up this past year so that hasn't shown much relief either.
I have felt so stuck, desperate and frustrated. I feel like I am working so hard and yet what I'm working for isn't working out.
Alright, I'm not making this a pity party - I just needed to vent some feelings. I even feel selfish for thinking it at times. Maybe I should have made my goal to have more patience. :)
I feel like I need to explain a little more for why I even started to do photography as a business. I was working for a way to help me go part time. I love it (not the business side of it) and enjoy the creative release that it has given me. It has even pushed me out of my comfort zone to talk more, make others feel comfortable to get the image I'm looking for and something that they'll enjoy having. If you're reading this, your a friend of mine (another perk to having the blog private) and please know that I would never be offended if you didn't have me take your pictures or even if you don't like what I do. Please let me know if there's something I can do for you (working out prices and such) because I don't think that anyone should go without pictures because they don't feel like they can afford it. Believe me - I know how frustrating it is to feel like I couldn't go to someone because I couldn't afford them. In reality I should be like the others and charge $500 for family pictures to make it going part time. But I can't justify spending that much money, I can't hardly ask someone else to. I know there are plenty of professionals out there saying that it weakens the industry, but I'm not trying to. I just think that there should be some options at different price points.
As for me, I'll keep working on my goal. One day I'll be able to spend more time with my own babies. I know being a stay-at-home-mom has its own challenges and difficulties. I don't want to give up the training and learning through teaching that I've acquired. I just have a slight shift in focus.
who knows, perhaps we should just take the leap that many others have and just go part-time with a prayer that all will work out. We've done good at staying out of debt and making all our payments, so somewhere there has to come a break. :) I'll be optimistic that it'll happen.
2 comments:
That is completely rotten about the re-financing! The system is messed up if they can't help people who actually look AHEAD in their finances and realize they need a change. I'm so sorry!
I know about the venting thing...I have a completely private personal blog for times when I just need to get those personal and private things off my chest!
I think you must be doing a great job as a teacher. Both at home and work, for one major reason: you care. That's a big thing!
Good luck with it all! If I can do anything, let me know!
It is so sad that we don't really talk anymore. I didn't even know about half of the stuff that you are going through. So sad because we used to be so close! :( I know the feeling of working so hard and not feeling like you are getting anywhere. I am thankful that me and Trav have a job too, but it sometimes feels like we are spinning our wheels. I try not to stay at work anymore because I just get overwhelmed. I do a lot of work at home these days. We need to go do something soon. Love ya!!
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